Jack and Irene #3
Posted on September 8, 2001
It had been quite a while since I had seen my friends Jack and Irene Darling. Irene, owner of Faranganar Press had been in the gun sights of Microsoft press as a buyout prospect and Irene had even taken several meetings with the head of the Evil Empire himself. Jack, her writer-husband had just finished scripting and "supervising" the TV production of a miniseries based on a young-adult book he had done earlier in his career.
While Jack and Irene were separated, it wasn't the first time. They had an on-again, off-again marriage which is hard to explain.
Irene and I were once sweethearts in college, but that was a long time ago, on a planet far away.
Jack was once my roommate and it was I who set him up with Irene.
When you think of eccentric, wild, intelligent people, you had to think of Irene, and to only a slightly lesser extent, Jack. And over all the years, we have always kept in touch, meeting for lunch every month or two.
Jack was a babe-hound, and Irene was a babe.
I was invited to the 50th birthday party of a mutual friend of ours. It was held at Scott's Seafood located in San Francisco's Embarcadero. I was looking forward to seeing Jack and Irene.
Walking in, I saw Jack at the bar (not surprising). Dressed in gray slacks, blue shirt with white collar, and a horribly expensive black (all the rage) blazer with white mother-of-pearl buttons, he looked like a slightly older Jimmy Smitts. "Hey asshole," he said in his best Detective Sipowitz NYPD Blue voice. "Listen to this concept. Irene is royally pissed at you. And here she comes, so you better follow the rules for a nuclear attack, put your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye!"
"Hey, I'm the PMA/ Pub-Forum poster boy for bad behavior. She has to get in line to be mad at ME," I said with a simile.
Irene, 50 looking 30, was dressed in expensive tight black leather slacks with some kind of low cut black chiffon top. With her Barbie figure and an ample portion of her ample upper assets exposed to the elements, every eye followed this dark-haired beauty across the room. On a chain around her neck, she wore a huge star sapphire, resting just slightly above where every man might want to start mining for precious stones. I overhead one male guest say to another that she looked like Jackie Kennedy with Jane Fonda's body. She did.
"Alan, dear, you are on my shit list. How could you have written that wonderful satire on the "Pub-Forum Channel" a while back and leave me out! You covered all the luminaries in the business and I was not mentioned. See if I ever give you any inside information again," she said with her sexy lips smiling at me.
Jack turned to me. "One of my buddies at Disney/Capitol City e-mailed me and wanted to know if you might want to write a sit-com. He got the Rant from his friend at Time-Warner. For a minor league writer, compared to me of course, you get around."
"Hush Jack. Compared to Al, you're just a hack. You might as well be an author for Blue Moon Books, you know, the Victorian erotica stuff. Of course, if you were, you'd be writing for PGW."
"What are you talking about," I said. "PGW is a distributor. My pal Dan Poynter is joined by the hip to them. They don't publish. They don't compete with their good customers like Para Pub."
"Alan, dear, you and the rest of the small press sector are so innocent. Everyone, except those idiot Gundry 'folfs', realizes that content is going to be king and everyone wants to be a content provider. PGW acquired Blue Moon, which was a part of Grove Press, which went bankrupt. It's a long story, but PGW is going to fold them into their Avalon publishing division which also includes Thunder's Mouth Press, Marlowe and Foxrock."
Jack took a long sip from his martini. "It's not enough that the distribution sector wants and gets huge discounts, they now want to be publishers themselves. And it's not only them. Look at Barnes & Noble; they have their own imprints. I wonder how long it will be before Ingram is bought by S&S or Time-Warner. One huge conglomerate would own a large chunk of the publishing and distribution sectors."
Irene grabbed a cracker with caviar from the tray being held by a gorgeous young waitress who got the approving eye of Jack. I knew what was coming. It always does.
"Young woman, do you know who you are serving? You're in the presence of a man who can make you a star," said Jack, taking a cracker and obviously feeling the dozen or so martinis he had imbibed. A few months in Hollywood and Jack thought he was Dave Chase of Soprano fame.
"Wow, are you Regis Philburn? You don't look anything like him on TV. Can you get me a job in TV like you did for Kathie Lee. This place sucks," the blond beauty with the full blouse said.
"Sweetheart, he's about as close to Regis Philburn as I am to Michael Jordan," Irene said. "And the only Kathie Lee he knows is the one he met at the no-tell motel in Laguna Beach a few years back. Sorry to disappoint you." The young girl walked away dejected but I knew that Jack had his mind on all of those young starlets who had, as they say, a good head for the movies.
"Did you ever notice who bought the LA Dodgers?" I asked. "None other than the owner of Fox. How long will it be before Murdoch buys out both B&N and Borders. It would be chump change for him."
"Why would he do that?" Jack asked. "What the hell is old Rupert going to do with a chain of book stores?"
Irene picked up on it immediately. "Sell them to Time Warner or whoever might buy Ingram and who would have the lock on distribution. That would give them a vertical monopoly, or at least a virtual one, over the book business. Time Warner with AOL, with all of its holdings could produce enough new titles, and along with their backlist, could easily stock your average B&N. And if they own the distribution channel, where will you and I be?" Irene added as she turned to me.
"But would the Justice Department let this happen," I asked.
"Why not? First of all, the book business isn't even a blip on the GDP radar screen. We're a tiny industry compared to software, autos, or healthcare. Second, there doesn't seem to be any strong Congressional or Administration will to reign in Microsoft. The Justice Department is in this all alone. Lots of smoke, but I haven't seen any fire yet. The current anti-trust case won't end with a bang, but with a whimper. If Gates and company can have a monopoly, why can't a 'new and improved' Time-Warner," Irene said. Without her saying it, I could tell she had been in contact with some higher-ups at Microsoft. Her eyes always give her away.
"So you don't think Microsoft is afraid of what Washington will do?"
"Alan, dear, is Ingrams or B&T afraid of you or PMA? Yes, yes, yes, you make a lot of noise with your Saturday Rant, but honestly, do you really think anyone is going to challenge THEM? You're talking about independent publishers here, not rocket scientists. It's the same with Microsoft. These people have the money, the contacts, the lobbyists, and the clout to get their way AND to convince you that THEY know what is best for you."
"Irene's right, as usual," Jack added. "Just as the middle channel and other larger entities will rant and rail about how returns are really good for the small publisher, when, indeed, the practice really only benefits them, Microsoft will cloak their monopoly in terms of how having industry standards is best for all of us 'little people' and how we must be free to make their own choices; never mind if the only choice is Microsoft."
"And add to that the news that several independent bookstores, in the name of ABA, is suing Barnes & Noble. Can you imagine this ragtag group of stores suing their chain store brethren? It's like Macys suing Gimbels," Irene said, dating herself. I was sure that after her third Manhattan she really believed that Gimbels was still in business and not just part of "A Miracle on 34th Street."
"This is like Joe's garage suing Ford Motor Company," Jack said.
"The whole thing makes no sense. The small stores are upset because they can't get the same terms that the chains get. They say the chains are strong-arming the publishers into giving them better discounts. Well, what is wrong with that? Isn't that the "job" of the store's buyers to try to get the best deal they can from their supplier? Don't we do the same with printers?" I said.
"What Tattered Cover, Cody's, along with ABA should do is form a buyers consortium, much like the small hardware stores have done via Ace and True Value. That is how they compete with the big box stores like Home Depot. This would be a lot more productive than taking Borders and B&N to court. But small bookstore owners aren't any smarter than small publishers sometimes," Irene said as she put her drink on the bar, looked around the room as was glad to notice that she could still turn a few heads.
"I'll tell you this much my Ranting friend," said Jack turning to catch up with Irene. "If there comes a day that there is only one store with only one distribution channel, you better pray that the whole kit and caboodle is not owned by a partnership of John Ingram and Baker & Taylor, or you WILL have to kiss your ass goodbye!"
Jack, feeling the booze took a sheet of paper from the breast pocket of his tailored sport coat. "It doesn't matter what happens in the publishing industry, because in a few years no one will know how to read anyway. One of the associate producers of my move sent this to me yesterday. It's the actual answers to a history test by sixth graders."
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen" As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake Circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic ouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped producing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers
We were all hysterical with laughter. Irene and I had tears in our eyes.
The waiters were walking around the crowd telling everyone to enter the dining room as dinner was about to be served.
Irene tuned back to me, looking dazzling. She came close to me so that we were almost as close as we once where back in college where we first met.
She whispered in my ear, "For your ears only, I sold Faranganar Press and I'm moving to Sacramento. So is Jack."
I almost fainted. I never thought that Irene would sell out. And I never thought that she would ever leave San Francisco. And wondered if she and Jack getting back together after a year's separation?
She kissed me on the cheek. "Don't tell anyone and I'll call you next week."
I wanted it to be the booze, but I knew it wasn't. Irene was going to come back into my life. And knowing Irene, I knew that nothing would be quite the same. Our romantic interest in each other had long past, but Irene was the kind of person that could rock your world by just being part of it.
Irene in Sacramento. What a concept. Life was going to get interesting.
With several hundred people in the room, I didn't think I'd see Jack and Irene for the rest of the evening. I had to find my assigned seat. I prayed that no one from Time-Warner would be sitting next to me. I'm sure that lots of people in the industry (and especially at Time Warner) want to make me into part of an off-ramp in Jersey, right next to Jimmy Hoffa. One thing is a fact. Someone with as few friends as I, should not go out to publishing events alone.
[Copyright 2001 by Alan N. Canton. This material may be re-published on and Internet listserv or Usenet newsgroup without prior permission by the copyright holder. Any other re-publication is prohibited without express permission of the copyright holder.]
About the Author
Alan Canton has been a writer and a publisher in addition to his lifetime work as high-tech consultant. He is the author of several books (long out of print) as well as the author of the long-running Saturday Rant blog (also now dormant.)
Alan Canton has spent just over 40 years as a high-tech consultant... have ticked all the buzz-word checkboxes... programmer, analyst, system engineer, systems architect and the latest... full-stack engineer. If it has to do with computer code, he has done it... or at least most of it.
He is the managing partner of NewMedia Create which designs websites for authors, publishers, and small businesses... most often for small biz people who have "no money" but who want a simple but nice site at an reasonable price.
Ham radio is his main hobby. His callsign is K6AAI. You can see his station at his QRZ webpage.
He also runs a QSL card company and has hams from all over the country as customers. See RadioQSL.com. His favorite ham radio quote is:
"I am often asked how radio works. Well, you see, wire telegraphy is like a very long cat. You yank his tail in New York and he meows in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? Now, radio is exactly the same, except that there is no cat."
- Attributed to Albert Einstein